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Managing Thanksgiving Family Stress: Faith-Based Strategies for Peace and Healing

Liberation Lunes

November 25th, 2024

Before my husband came into my life over 30 years ago, Thanksgiving wasn’t a big deal in my family. As a teenager, I can recall many Thanksgivings where I couldn’t stand being at home. I’d spend the day with friends, go to the movies, or simply try to escape the chaos. My mom often worked during Thanksgiving because she’d earn time-and-a-half pay.


Looking back, I understand why my mom made those sacrifices—she was trying to pay the bills and keep us afloat. But as a kid, it felt personal. I internalized that I wasn’t worth the time or that I was a burden. I know many of my clients, especially first- or second-generation Americans like me, grapple with these same feelings as they try to balance the cultural nuances of this American holiday.


When I married my husband in 1995, Thanksgiving shifted dramatically. His family embraced all the traditional elements—big meals, everyone around the table, football on TV, and peaceful walks in nature. It was a stark contrast to the tension I grew up with, being raised by women carrying the weight of unhealed trauma. But as comforting as the change was, I couldn’t help but notice how traditional his family was—especially when it came to the women doing all the cooking and the cleaning....smh. Over time, I started to challenge those dynamics when we were with his family, gently pushing back on the idea that things had to be done a certain way. Through the work I’ve done in therapy, I’ve learned to reframe those patterns and move beyond the weight of my upbringing. Now, I focus on building healthier traditions that work for everyone—and yes, that includes making sure the men help with cleanup! 😊


Fast forward to now, and I’ve walked alongside many people in the valleys of Thanksgiving stress—family tensions, judgmental relatives, the aunt who insists on kissing everyone (consent, anyone?), or the alcoholic uncle who stirs the pot literally and figuratively. Add to that the strain of recent elections, where extreme points of view on politics and religion have driven wedges into countless families. I’ve had clients who feel like the world is ending because their candidate didn’t win, a sentiment that’s been simmering for years. Families have stopped talking to one another, while others argue even harder at holiday gatherings.


Many of my clients wrestle with tough decisions: do they attend these events and endure feeling misunderstood and unloved, or do they stay home and face the loneliness of missing out? Honestly, neither option is easy. I provide a safe space for my clients to process these struggles, along with tools to help them navigate the emotional minefield of the holidays.


And let’s not forget the single folks who dread the inevitable “So when are you going to settle down?” interrogations. (I mean, the rent-a-boyfriend/girlfriend idea starts sounding pretty appealing, right?)


Whatever your Thanksgiving looks like—whether you’re navigating dysfunction or enjoying the Hallmark family vibe—there’s room for grace and growth. Let’s dive into how you can find peace, even when the turkey isn’t the only thing getting roasted.


Why Family Gatherings Are So Hard

Family dynamics can stir up unresolved emotions, especially during the holidays. Here’s why:

  1. Old Wounds Resurface- Being around family can bring up childhood memories and unhealed wounds. Maybe it’s the critical tone of a parent or the feeling of being invisible when everyone’s busy. These moments can trigger emotions you didn’t realize were still there.

  2. Role Expectations- Families often expect us to fall back into roles we played growing up—the peacemaker, the overachiever, the black sheep. If you’ve grown beyond those roles, it can feel like being pulled back into an old script.

  3. Cultural Tensions- For first- and second-generation Americans, there’s often a balancing act between your family’s cultural traditions and the “American way” of doing things. This can create tension and misunderstandings within the family.


The Science of Why Holidays Are Stressful

1. Our Brains Thrive on Predictability- Dr. Andrew Huberman explains that our brains are wired for patterns and predictability. Holidays disrupt routines with packed schedules, financial pressures, and emotional triggers, increasing stress and anxiety. When we anticipate conflict or feel overwhelmed by expectations, our stress response system kicks into overdrive.

2. The Role of Cortisol- Stress hormones like cortisol spike during the holiday season. The pressure to meet cultural expectations or navigate unresolved family issues keeps our fight-or-flight systems activated. Over time, this can lead to burnout, irritability, and even physical illness.

3. Family Roles and Triggers- As The Crappy Childhood Fairy often discusses, family gatherings can pull us back into roles we played as children. You might find yourself stuck as the peacemaker, the scapegoat, or the invisible one, even if you’ve outgrown those roles. This dynamic often reactivates past wounds, leading to emotional discomfort.


Faith and Encouragement for Tough Moments

Thankfully, the Bible offers wisdom for navigating the messiness of family relationships.

  • Colossians 3:13: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

    • Family gatherings are a great time to practice forgiveness, even when it’s hard.

  • Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

    • While you can’t control others, you can control your responses.


Practical Tips to Navigate Thanksgiving

  1. Shift Your Perspective- Instead of seeing challenges as obstacles, view them as opportunities to grow in patience, love, and grace.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations- Not every moment will be picture-perfect, and that’s okay. Aim for meaningful connection over perfection.

  3. Prepare with Boundaries

    • Politely steer clear of triggering conversations with phrases like, “Let’s catch up on something more positive!”

    • Take breaks if needed—step outside or go for a walk to reset.

  4. Focus on the Good- Whether it’s a kind gesture from a family member or the blessing of a shared meal, look for small joys throughout the day.

  5. Create New Traditions- If traditional gatherings feel overwhelming, consider alternatives:

    • Host a Friendsgiving with your chosen family.

    • Volunteer at a soup kitchen to share gratitude through service.

    • Spend time solo, journaling and reflecting on your blessings.


Reframing Holiday Struggles

Struggle: Feeling judged or criticized by a relative. Reframe: “This is an opportunity to grow in confidence and release their opinions from my heart.”

Struggle: Overwhelm from hosting duties. Reframe: “I can simplify this year. My value isn’t tied to how fancy my table looks.”

Struggle: Loneliness or feeling out of place. Reframe: “I’m not alone in this; God is with me, and I can reach out to those who care.”


Finding Peace in the Imperfection

Thanksgiving, like life, is rarely perfect. The turkey might burn, your family might push your buttons, and emotions might run high—but you can choose peace.


Philippians 4:7 reminds us: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This peace isn’t dependent on circumstances—it’s rooted in your faith.


If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck, know that you’re not alone. Whether your family gatherings are joyful or complicated, there’s room for healing, grace, and growth.


Your Next Step

This Thanksgiving, if you’re finding it hard to navigate family dynamics or balance cultural expectations, let’s work together. My counseling services are here to help you find clarity, resilience, and peace in the middle of life’s messiness.


Schedule your free consultation today or explore resources at Through the Valley Therapy.


Lord Jesus,

Thank You for the blessings of family, connection, and the opportunity to gather during this season. As I navigate the challenges that come with the holidays, grant me Your peace that calms my heart and mind. Help me to show grace, patience, and love, even in difficult moments. When conflicts arise, give me wisdom to respond with kindness and humility. Remind me that my identity is rooted in You, not in the opinions or expectations of others. Fill my heart with gratitude and guide my steps as I reflect Your light to those around me.

In Your holy name, Amen.


In Service, Faith, Hope and Love,

Diana


And now for the disclaimer to make sure you understand that YOU are responsible for YOU:

Disclaimer:

The content provided on Liberation Lunes is for entertainment and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read on this blog. The views expressed on this blog are my personal opinions and do not represent the views of any professional organizations with which I am affiliated. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, 911, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) immediately. Liberation Lunes does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the blog. Reliance on any information provided by Liberation Lunes, others appearing on the blog at the invitation of Liberation Lunes, or other visitors to the blog is solely at your own risk.


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