How to Hold Boundaries with Emotionally Immature People Without Losing Your Peace

Liberation Lunes

Monday, November 10th, 2025

A Christian counselor’s month-long lesson in faith, psychology, and the art of staying grounded when others spiral.

When Peace Feels Like War

Have you ever hired someone, befriended someone, or even dated someone — and within a month you’re left thinking, “What just happened?” You replay the conversations, the promises, and the emotional whiplash. You start to wonder if you’re the one losing it.

As I sit here typing this, I’m reflecting on my own month-long lesson in emotional maturity, boundaries, and self-regulation. All of this was triggered by what should’ve been a simple, professional agreement. Instead, it became a crash course in psychology, patience, and prayer.

Thank God for therapy, education, and experience — both as a client and as a clinician. Once I recognized the pattern, I knew what to do. This time, I didn’t spiral. I regulated. I paused. I prayed. I learned more about grace than any textbook could teach me.

Disclaimer: This reflection is inspired by a real-life experience that deeply stretched my patience, faith, and nervous system regulation. Out of respect for everyone involved, no identifying details are shared. My goal in writing this is not to judge or expose anyone. I aim to help others recognize the patterns of emotional immaturity that can show up in everyday life. I want to model how we can respond with wisdom, healthy boundaries, and grace. I share this story as a licensed mental-health professional, but also as a fellow human learning to practice what I teach: regulating through conflict, praying instead of reacting, and choosing peace over ego.

What Emotional Immaturity Looks Like in Grown Adults

Let’s be real — we’ve all met people who look like adults but emotionally operate like young teenagers. They struggle with accountability, avoid discomfort, and when challenged, they lash out or shift blame. You ask a simple question, and somehow it turns into a 20-minute explanation of why you are the problem.

In emotionally immature people, these behaviors show up as:

• Deflection — avoiding responsibility by changing the topic.

• Minimizing — pretending the issue isn’t a big deal.

• Gaslighting — making you question what’s real or what was said.

• Victim stance — somehow, they always end up being the one who’s been wronged.

  
  

At first, it’s confusing. Then it becomes exhausting. If you’re a natural empath, helper, or fixer, it’s a fast track to burnout.

I saw all of that play out this month. Every time I tried to clarify, I was met with new explanations, changing stories, and emotional guilt trips. The counselor in me wanted to understand. The LMHC in me stayed calm. The part of me that’s been mansplained to my whole life wanted to lose it.

That’s when I realized — this wasn’t about who was right. It was about who could stay regulated.

When DARVO Enters the Chat

In psychology, there’s a pattern known as DARVO — a term coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd at the University of Oregon. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

It’s the move someone makes when confronted with their own bad behavior:

1. Deny they did anything wrong.

2. Attack the person who brought it up.

3. Reverse the roles — suddenly, they’re the victim, and you’re the aggressor.

   
   

Sound familiar?

When you recognize this pattern, you stop trying to argue your reality. You stop wasting emotional energy trying to get them to “see.” Instead, you get quiet, factual, and firm. That’s when power shifts back to you — not the loud, reactive kind, but the calm, anchored kind that comes from clarity.

My Real-Life Lesson in Boundaries

Without getting into specifics (because names and details aren’t what matter here), I found myself in a month-long dynamic with someone who consistently overpromised and underdelivered. Each time I asked for accountability, the focus shifted back to effort, excuses, and how hard they were trying.

At first, I empathized. I wanted to believe their words. Then I noticed the pattern: the more I sought clarity, the more emotional the responses became.

So I did what I teach my clients to do — I stopped reacting and started documenting. I set clear expectations, timelines, and boundaries — all in writing. I kept my communication factual, brief, and kind.

When my nervous system started buzzing with that old familiar “this isn’t safe” feeling, I stepped away, took a few deep breaths, and prayed.

The Psychology Behind It (CBT + IFS + Neuroplasticity)

From a clinical lens, here’s what was happening:

• CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helped me challenge distorted thinking — both theirs and mine. I replaced “They’re doing this to me” with “They’re acting from their own emotional capacity.”

• IFS (Internal Family Systems) helped me notice my parts: the one who wanted to nurture and fix, the one who wanted to run, and the one who wanted to fight. I invited all of them to step back and let my Self — the calm, compassionate center — lead.

• Neuroplasticity reminded me that every time I chose calm over chaos, I was rewiring my brain. I was strengthening new neural pathways of peace, patience, and grounded authority.

  
  

The goal wasn’t to win. It was to stay whole.

Faith and Regulation: My Real Therapy

Somewhere in the middle of this storm, I hit a wall. My body knew before my mind did — my heart was racing, my jaw was tight, and my stomach was in knots. I was dysregulated.

So I went outside, barefoot, into the grass. I prayed. I cried. I thanked God for protecting me from becoming the old version of myself — the one who would’ve snapped, argued, and fed the drama.

I remembered Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:44: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” And let’s be honest — sometimes, that’s the hardest verse in the Bible.

Because praying for someone who’s mistreating you feels unfair.

But what I’ve learned is this: prayer doesn’t excuse their behavior; it releases your bitterness. It resets your nervous system. It realigns your heart with peace.

Boundaries are sacred. So is grace.

How to Handle Emotionally Immature People (Faith + Science Edition)

Here’s what I learned — and what I teach my clients:

1. Regulate before you respond. Pause, breathe, pray. Don’t match their chaos. Slow, deep breathing restores access to your prefrontal cortex — your logic and empathy center.

2. Keep communication factual and brief. Emotionally immature people twist words. Stick to logistics, not feelings.

3. Don’t JADE — Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. It’s a CBT boundary tool: the more you explain, the more material they have to twist.

4. Name the behavior, not the person. Try, “This conversation feels unproductive,” instead of “You’re manipulative.” It’s trauma-informed and keeps the focus on safety.

5. Document everything. It’s not about “gotcha” — it’s about clarity and nervous system peace. Facts are your friend when emotions get murky.

6. Set limits and follow through. Boundaries without consistency are just suggestions.

7. Reset with prayer or mindfulness. Faith-based grounding activates your parasympathetic system — the “rest and digest” mode that heals body and mind.

8. Remember: it’s not personal. Their reaction is a mirror of their capacity, not your worth.

   
   

Emotional Maturity: What It Really Means

Emotional maturity isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about staying aligned with your values when you’re tested. It’s recognizing that peace doesn’t mean silence, and boundaries don’t mean bitterness.

It’s knowing when to say:

“I’m not going to engage this way. I wish you well, but I’ll handle this differently.”

I used to think setting boundaries meant I was being “mean.” Now I see it as one of the most loving things I can do — for myself and for others. Because when you stay grounded in truth, you invite others to rise to that same level of maturity (even if they don’t).

From Anger to Agency

There were moments I wanted to lose it — to text something sharp, to prove a point, to show him he messed with the wrong woman. But instead, I wrote this blog.

I could have sat with the anger, the resentment, the “I’ll show you” attitude. But choosing to process, write, and reflect transformed what could’ve been trauma into growth.

At the end of the day, I learned this:

A person’s actions are not a reflection of me — they’re a reflection of who they are.

When you understand that, you stop taking everything so personally. You stop bleeding from other people’s cuts.

Faith Integration: Reflection & Renewal

“Be still and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

Every time I felt powerless, I returned to that verse. Stillness isn’t passivity — it’s surrender. It’s saying, “I can’t control them, but I can choose how I show up.”

When I regulated instead of reacted, I wasn’t just diffusing conflict. I was reparenting the younger parts of me that once equated silence with safety. I was modeling what I now teach: peace isn’t the absence of conflict; it’s the presence of Christ in the middle of it.

Reflection & Renewal Prompts

• Where in your life are you being called to hold a boundary instead of explaining one?

• Which part of you still fears being misunderstood — and what does that part need from you today?

• How can you replace reactivity with prayerful presence this week?

• What would it look like to choose response over reaction, peace over proving, faith over fear?

  
  

If This Spoke to You

If this reflection resonated, explore more Liberation Lunes posts — where faith meets psychology and we talk real about healing, identity, and resilience.

🎧 Listen to The Holistic Counselor Podcast for more faith-based mental health conversations.

📖 Read past Liberation Lunes blogs at Through the Valley Therapy.

💻 If you’re in Florida and ready for psychoeducational therapy or training, schedule a free consult here: throughthevalleytherapy.clientsecure.me/request/service

Final Reflection

Heavenly Father, Thank You for meeting me here — in the middle of the mess, in the learning, and in the letting go.

When I’m tempted to react, remind me that peace is power. When I feel wronged, remind me that vengeance is Yours, not mine. And when I see someone struggling with emotional immaturity, help me remember they’re fighting unseen battles too.

Lord, search my heart and know my anxious thoughts. If there’s pride, hurt, or resentment hiding in me, reveal it gently so I can release it back to You. Teach me to hold boundaries without bitterness and to lead with both truth and love.

I lift up every person who’s caused confusion or pain — may they encounter Your healing, just as I have. And for the one reading this prayer, remind them they are not powerless. Your Spirit within them gives discernment, courage, and peace that surpasses understanding.

May we all grow in emotional maturity, in empathy, and in grace — reflecting You more with every response, every pause, and every prayer.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

This month reminded me that I can’t control other people’s growth — but I can model what healing looks like. And maybe, just maybe, that’s how we change the world: one boundary, one prayer, one act of quiet courage at a time.

In Service, Faith, Hope and Love,

Diana

And now for the disclaimer to ensure you understand that YOU are responsible for YOU:

Disclaimer:

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